The Gamble: Change of Heart Ryan's POV
by Lisa O'Brien
Summary: REPOST - What might have happened between Dawn Atwood's departure in the cab and Kirsten's announcement in the kitchen of the Cohen house.


"The Gamble: Change of Heart (Ryan's POV)"

by Lisa O'Brien

Copyright September, 2003

SPOILERS: The Gamble

CLASSIFICATION: Coda

RATING: G

SUMMARY: What might have happened between Dawn Atwood's departure in the cab and Kirsten's announcement in the kitchen of the Cohen house.

DISCLAIMER: The OC, Ryan Atwood, Sandy, Kirsten and Seth Cohen and other characters mentioned in the story are owned Josh Schwartz, College Hill Pictures, Inc., Wonderland, Hypnotic and Fox Broadcasting. Without the wonderful work of Peter Gallagher, Kelly Rowan, Adam Brody and especially Benjamin McKenzie, the characters would be no fun for fan fic writers like me. No copyright infringement is intended, nor was any money made from this work.

ARCHIVE: Yes, as long as my name remains attached.

FEEDBACK: Will be responded to most gratefully.

THANK YOU: Thanks to Robyn at Devoted Fans Network for her hard work putting together a transcript of the episode. Without it, this story would have been weeks in the making.

**THE GAMBLE: CHANGE OF HEART (Ryan's POV)**

Quiet voices outside were the first thing Ryan noticed as he slowly rose from sleep. He didn't know what time he'd given up watching his mom sleep off the Canadian whiskey and champagne, but he guessed it hadn't been all that long because he was still bone tired.

As much as Ryan wanted to turn over and drift back to sleep, where he didn't have to deal with his mother, whether or not he had a future, the prospect of being homeless or going back to juvie, he knew escape was impossible. Trouble always managed to find him.

Last night had been a reminder of that. His mom had given up sobriety the minute she was alone. She'd been the old Mom when she was yelling at him, ordering him to help her up, then she'd cried when she realized what she'd done. The tears weren't real remorse, though. They were just a way of making him say what she needed to hear.

Now that Mom was sober, he'd have to reassure her. They both wanted this to work. He just had to make her believe it could. Ryan looked over at the empty bed, which settled the question of going back to sleep. He scrubbed his face with his hands, then slowly sat up and threw his legs over the side of the couch where he'd crashed in the wee hours of the morning.

Ryan stood and shuffled to the door of the poolhouse. Kirsten and Mom both looked up at him as he opened the door and stepped out. Mom had her backpack on her shoulder. She didn't want to try. She wanted to bail.

Mom waved and Ryan swallowed, lifting his hand. There was a huge lump in his throat and a hollow feeling in his chest.

Mom turned to Kirsten. "Thanks." Then she walked away.

Ryan watched Mom's back as she disappeared around the front of the house. Tears welled in his eyes as he turned and went back into the poolhouse. He hoped Kirsten would go back into the house and leave him alone. He was 16. He wasn't supposed to cry. He hadn't cried when A.J. broke his nose, even though breathing, talking and everything else hurt like Hell for two weeks. He didn't cry when he got the crap beaten out of him at school, or by A.J. He didn't cry when he got busted with Trey and went to juvie for the first time.

His mom, though, was still a champ at making him cry. The night Ryan found her note in the house in Chino, he'd cried when he'd gotten back to the Cohens' poolhouse. His mom had made him cry the night she arrived at the Cohens and told them things he knew they suspected, but didn't want them to know for sure. She had done it again with her departure.

Ryan's chest hurt as he searched for his backpack, which was hard to find when he couldn't see. He blinked and swiped at his eyes. He heard Kirsten come into the poolhouse and did his best to ignore her as he found the backpack and the clothes he'd worn the day before.

After shoving the clothes into the pack and closing it, Ryan looked up at Kirsten. "I should've known..." He didn't want to do this in front of Kirsten. "She's never gonna change." Not wanting something to happen and being able to stop it are two different things, a fact Ryan had learned early in life. He was leaving anyway - for foster care, or juvie. So it didn't really matter what Kirsten saw.

Ryan dropped to the bed and covered his face, so Kirsten wouldn't see the tears. His dad hadn't liked crying kids and Trey hadn't been fond of them either. Whenever Ryan cried as a little kid, Trey always ended up in trouble - usually because he'd done something to make Ryan cry in the first place. Trey didn't see it that way, though, so Ryan learned early to be very quiet so neither Trey, nor his dad could get mad.

Ryan felt Kirsten sit next to him on the bed, but he didn't look up. She rubbed his back, making small circles with the palm of her hand. "It's gonna be okay, Ryan." She didn't say anything else. She just kept making those small circles in the center of his back.

His mom had said she didn't want to lose him. She'd said Ryan was her last hope. She'd promised to try. He'd believed her.

Mom had been a different person that night she'd followed him to the poolhouse. She'd been a different person when they'd gone shopping, then down to the beach. When she teased him about not going in the water and he'd teased her back, she'd laughed, instead of getting mad at him for being a smart mouth.

Not for the first time, Ryan had made the mistake of thinking things would work out for the better this time. Mom had been winning at blackjack and she was in a good mood without having a drink. For the first time in a long time, she'd actually been proud of him and let people know it. Leaving her had screwed it all up. She couldn't take care of herself. So, in the end, this was Ryan's fault. If you always expect the worst, you're never disappointed.

The tears finally stopped and Ryan cleared his throat, then wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt. "Sorry." He still didn't look up at Kirsten. He probably never would.

"I'm sorry, too, Ryan. Sandy told me you didn't want to find your mother. I should've listened to him." Kirsten put her hand on his arm. She didn't dig her fingers into him like A.J., or his mom did when one or both of them were mad at him. Kirsten closed her hand briefly, then let go. Maybe she was just letting him know she was there, since he still wasn't looking at her. "I thought she was trying -"

"She's good at playing the game," Ryan said, shaking his head. There was no point delaying the inevitable. His fate was sealed. "It, ah, would probably be better to take me back to juvie before Seth gets up. Tell him 'bye for me?"

"I'm not taking you back there, Ryan." This time, Kirsten rubbed his shoulder. "You'll stay here with us."

"I'm not your responsibility." Ryan raked his fingers through his hair. "I'll be okay."

"No, you won't," Kirsten said firmly.

Ryan didn't need Kirsten to tell him that. But he wasn't the Cohens' problem. He was on his own. It had to be his mom. She'd conned Kirsten somehow. "What did she say to you? Whatever she said, just forget it. I was on my own even when I lived with her."

"This has nothing to do with what your mother said...and it has nothing to do with pity or feeling sorry for you, so don't even go there."

"Then why?" Ryan had caused problems between Marissa and Luke. He'd gotten Seth into a fight at that beach party. He was nothing but trouble. Why else would his mother leave him to fend for himself at 16?

"Because I was wrong about you." When Kirsten smoothed Ryan's hair, he closed his eyes. His mom had stopped doing that when Dad got arrested. Even on a good day. "I didn't even try to get to know you and I'm sorry." A soft pat on the back followed the statement. "C'mon, let's go get some breakfast." Ryan felt the bed shift as she stood, but he still couldn't look at her.

Ryan wanted to believe Kirsten, but he knew better. She'd been the only one in the house with any sense. When Sandy had actually driven to Chino to pick Ryan up that first night, Ryan had decided that Sandy was insane, stupid, or a combination of the two. When Seth treated him like the long lost Cohen cousin from Boston/Seattle/Canada, rather than like a potential interloper on the only child's territory, Ryan figured that Sandy's condition was genetic. Kirsten had known he was trouble the night Sandy brought him home. He hadn't changed.

"What did she say?" Ryan had to know why Mom would leave him. He needed to know what he'd done wrong this time.

Kirsten inhaled, then slowly exhaled. That was a bad sign. She sat back down on the bed. "Sometimes parents do the wrong things, for the right reasons. When I wanted to send you away, I thought I was protecting Seth, but I was hurting him." Kirsten's left hand closed over his right. "Dawn loves you, Ryan. She doesn't think she can take care of you." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, then let go. "I can only imagine how much you're hurting right now. If you want to talk..."

Talking hadn't been encouraged in the Atwood household and Ryan had never solved a problem by talking about it anyway. He didn't know how.

Kirsten was standing again and Ryan hadn't even noticed. "Now, let's go get that breakfast."

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry." Ryan wondered if the hollowness in his chest would ever go away.

"Then you can have toast and juice. Or a few handfuls of cereal out of the box."

Ryan closed his eyes again as Kirsten smoothed his hair. He didn't deserve her kindness.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Skipping it isn't healthy."

Ryan was too emotionally and physically worn out to argue. He just hoped that whatever he ate would stay down long enough for him to get to a toilet. He stood, then walked behind Kirsten, who led the way out of the poolhouse, keeping his head down to avoid looking at the last place he'd seen his mom.

Ryan entered the house and closed the door, resisting the urge to slam it and watch the glass shatter. Once the door was closed, he finally looked up.

Seth was standing at the island. "Hey." He nodded.

"Hey."

Sandy turned from the toaster at the end of the counter. "Where's, uh...?"

"Ryan's going to stay with us now."

"That's awesome...I mean, it's...that's...that's awesome, right? That's cool, um . . ." Seth tried to look as disappointed as Ryan felt, but he couldn't pull it off. He cleared his throat. "Let's go talk about stuff. Come on."

Seth walked past his mother, then turned and went into the den. Ryan followed, wondering if he was still asleep and just dreaming all this. Trouble was, it felt real.

The other night, he'd eavesdropped and heard Kirsten and Sandy talking about finding his mother. That made him mad and he'd told them he wouldn't unpack. Sandy had kept him from sleeping on the streets when his mom threw him out. Even though she didn't have to, Kirsten had saved him from that gangbanger. Instead of just being grateful to them, Ryan had let his temper make him say something just to hurt them. The way that Trey, his mother, or his father had gotten mad and said things to hurt him.

Ryan had to say something to show that he appreciated all they'd done and what they were doing. He stopped halfway to the den. When he looked up at Sandy and Kirsten, they were both smiling. "I'll unpack later." It felt good to say the words. The hollow spot in his chest got a little smaller.

Kirsten smiled at him.

Ryan managed a half-smile, then went into the den and sat on the end of the couch next to Seth. Summer and Casino Night were the topic of Seth's monologue. Seth's good mood was contagious and Ryan found himself smiling. It was weird to be both happy and sad at the same time. He'd never felt it before. Happy had been rare until this moment.

His mother had been right about one thing. Things would be different for Ryan now. For the first time in his life, he would be whole. And he would be part of a family who cared about others as much as they cared about themselves.


End file.
